Yes, come here Singara Chennai. Where have you been all these days? Remember you are turning 375 today?
I agree, I agree, you look more and more ravishing as the years roll by.
Not a strand of grey hair, nor a wrinkle. If anything, you are fitter and more nimble. But a bit more buxom and flabby. Your fiery temper has but grown fierier. I look back at what I saw of you and I hope you recall the lecture I gave you last year this day. [Birthday greetings, you 373 year old monster]
And try to see if you have any improvement to show over the last 12
months or just continue to be what you were a year ago – haughty, impertinent
and downright the naughty girl that you always are, unwilling to mend your
ways. I had then promised that I would
give you monster another earful if you live to see your 375th
birthday.
You have lived and so have I. And now I see you shamelessly handing over your progress
card to me for signing. Lend me your
ears and let me read your progress card
first. I will think of signing later.
Traffic – Still remains the same horrible mess, vehicles
have increased on the roads and you are polluting more and more. But at least no deterioration over last year’s
situation noticed. Marks 50/100 – PASS
Police enforcement – The year that went by was one of 'visible
policing', as the cops would like us to believe.
Nice hoardings they have put up everywhere – Close to your block, round
the clock. Close they are and quite visible too but what about improvement in
enforcement of rules? You
still see motorists violating traffic rules with impunity right under the nose
of the cop who is busy or rather idling inside his swanky patrol vehicle. The day when all vehicles stop at a red light
even without a cop lurking around nearby would be the day, you would pass this
test, Madras. Marks 30/100 – FAIL
Garbage – Some improvement seen here, at least the mounds of
trash are less visible, what with huge blue tin vats swallowing them up. The
vats are an eye-sore but any day preferable to heaps of naked garbage strewn
around. Okay, I admit you have done some
good work here Marks 60/100 – PASS
Infrastructure – Status quo ante. Don’t see too many new flyovers, civic
improvements or fresh initiatives. Metro
is coming up fast but you can’t take much credit for that, it is not your state
project in the first place. Compliment, if you need it badly, can only be for
the fact that the infrastructure has not gone any worse. Marks
55/100 – PASS
Waterways and Parks – You have long been bragging that you
will make a Kaveri of Cooum and a Brahmaputra of Buckingham Canal. All gas and no action . You have only managed to create more stinking
rivulets rivaling Cooum on the streets in the form of overflowing sewage. Forget Cooum, can’t you at least give a
thought to the last few still unspoilt waterbodies and marshes you have? And the parks? Many have given way to constructions and
dumping yards. Sorry, not much to crow
about here. You should be happy that you
just scraped through here – Marks 40/100 – JUST PASS
Tasmac shops – Can’t help discussing this underbelly of
yours, because they are slowly becoming the face of the city. They have only increased in number. Their patrons sustain your livelihood,
Madras, by gulping in gallons each passing day.
You throw freebies around out of their courtesy only. To pay the Pauls, you have all along been
robbing these poor Peters. Have you
given anything in return to them? The
gentlemen thronging Tasmacs who fill your coffers continue to wallow in filth
and muck. Your doctors and hospitals do
roaring business out of the mass liver cyrrohis your Tasmac patrons
contact. High time you mended your mean
ways here and show some courtesy to your drinking millions. Marks
35/100 – FAIL
Yes, here comes your favourite subject – films. I thought you would always pass this subject
but I see something unbelievable here.
You have managed to create a parallel super censor board to clear
films. Goons roam around wielding sticks
and stop film shows. Now this is new and
where did you learn this? It’s all bad
company you have gathered around you.
Marks – 20/100 FAIL
And there are other subjects – like population explosion,
auto-wallahs, the heat, the humidity, blah, blah….. Since you can’t do much
about these, I let these pass and let you pass.
For these sundries, I give you, Marks 50 – PASS
So this is my earful to you this birthday. Will hound you throughout the coming year and
give you another earful when you turn 376 next year. Till such time, good bye and good luck. Don’t show your ugly face to me for the next
365 days.
Madras heard out all this without a word, shrugged and
walked away nonchalantly. There she goes,
out of hearing distance. She can’t now
hear what I say. Now readers, this is
just for your consumption – don’t blurt it out before her if you happen to meet
her again round the corner.
Fact is, my Madras is not that bad at all. But you do not praise your child before her
face and spoil her. Arrogant she may be
but not beyond salvation. She has good
taste, exudes warmth some times, embraces strangers, doesn’t flaunt her
prosperity, level headed and cool! While
other cities would go to town over birthday celebrations, she is ever
conservative and kind of shy. Not for
her the garish celebrations over birthdays like politicians. Her Tambrahm inhabitants still make the best
coffee in the world. Her 108 ambulances,
state-owned, still manage to reach the mishap site within minutes. Her Government offices still manage to move
files without losing them like Coalgate files.
Her cool evening sea-breeze still make one forget the humid days. Her temples still offer peace and
solace. Her music season still
spell-binds. Her Amma canteens still
give value for money. Her five star
hotels nowadays even make Oorgai cocktails. A dash of mangai oorugai over vodka
or something. (hehe, this cocktail was
invented long ago by Tasmac patrons only, how coolly these big hotels usurp the
recipe without patent!) Her Madras Bashai is still music to the ears leaving you yearning for more. Meyyalume!
My Madras still manages to soothe and comfort. She is now the toast of India. Every other Bollywood film now fashionably
names the movie after my Madras/Chennai.
Meet her I will next birthday and bash her up again but that would be a façade. Don’t tell her and MIND IT.
